My friend, Reno the Jerk

My mom was driving me to my first day at a new school & upon pulling up, pointed out a guy wearing a t-shirt covered in demented smiley faces & holes, & was sporting a Jester hat...bells & all

She looked at me & said, "See that guy? Don't talk to people like that..."

He's been one of my best friend's ever since......(& my mom loves him)

Ok, D*ick-face...you're totally getting blamed for this one...

So......my husband went hunting yesterday…..he shot about 15 dove but had to throw most of them out so that he wouldn’t get fined…

Now, I don’t wanna hear any of this, “well, you eat cow” crap……the cows have to know something’s up when they’re on their way to the slaughter house……where as, the poor little birds are probably flying around thinking, “it’s such a wonderful day today…I think I’ll go visit *BAM*!”

Poor little birds…

I’m gonna be so sad when Bambi shows up in my freezer :/

Ah, D*ick-face......you suck

So at work today...

So, at work today…

…I felt like letting my Staff Sergeant, who we’ll call Captain Awesome, know how much of a bitch one of my co-workers is…

In return, Captain Awesome yelled at Specialist Brooks to drop down & give ME twenty…(Specialist Brooks is just a casualty who unfortunately got caught in the line of fire)

So…Specialist Brooks proceeded to do 20 push-ups at my feet, while I stood there with a very confused, yet intrigued looked on my face.

After this glorious show took place, Captain Awesome asked if I felt like I was ready to put a smile on my face. I simply smiled & said yes, even though I still felt a little awkward about what had just taken place…..Captain Awesome then yelled, “NOT GOOD ENOUGH! BROOKS, DROP DOWN & GIVE MS. MOMO 10 MORE!”

I thought about whether or not I should stand on Specialist Brooks back, but figured, taking my aggressions out on this innocent 20 year old wouldn’t make me feel better about that whore back at the clinic.

Towards the end of this wonderful, life-long memory, Captain Awesome asked if I was going to either get happy, or continue to torture Specialist Brooks?…

“Specialist Brooks…for a while now, you’ve been doing an excellent job of serving your country…but today you showed just how much you love America!…Well, maybe that’s stretching it, but if I can get you, someone I don’t even know, to do push-ups at my feet simply by stating how much of a b*itch “whore” is……then you have served your country well!” You sir, put a little bit of faith back into the male race…

Ah, Specialist Brooks, you’ll never let us down…

Short story:

Q: What happens when you drink a 5th of white grape vodka while swimming in an above ground pool & then try to climb down the “slip-proof” stairs attached, but don’t quite make it off the top step?

A: Black bruises from head to toe, 1 black eye, a fractured nose & a mild concussion…

Moral of the story: Pills are good :)

Chubs is scary when she's pregnant...

Chubs is scary when she’s pregnant…

The reason I can say this without fear of losing my life is because she’s 3,000 miles away…

Now imagine a small crazy person having babies with another small crazy person….this would be the picture perfect life of Chubs & Lovey, and this type of behavior runs in Lovey’s family.

I recently heard a story that was a little bit scary, yet intriguing at the same time, so I figured I would share it with you.

For those of you who hate those nagging wives that just seem to bitch about every little thing in their mans life…..you should be happy, because in the famous words of comedian Jim Breuer, “a quiet woman will murder you in your sleep”, and this couldn’t be more true for Lovey’s little sister.

This little girl couldn’t weigh more than 90 pounds soaking wet & can’t possibly be more than 5 ft tall. Her husband is about 6 ft 2 in tall & is covered from head to toe in tattos.

Lovey’s little sister, who we will call “The almighty one” doesn’t let her feelings show very often, but when she does, watch the f*uck out…

One night while laying in bed, The almighty one’s husband decided to tell her she was crazy. An hour later, he woke up to his pint sized wife sitting on top of him with a knife to his throat & a “crazy” look in her eye.

His response…”babe, what are you doing???…”

The almighty one’s response…”who’s the crazy one now?!”

Moral of the story: The quiet one’s will murder you in your sleep….especially if you call them crazy.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scourned"

Midnight walk anyone?

Chubs & I were driving home from a long night of binge drinking……I don’t condone drinking & driving, but let’s face it, we’ve all done it at some point.

We were 2 miles from home when low & behold, we ran out of gas. I’ve never been in a car that ran out of gas, especially one with a digital gauge stating we still had 32 miles to go…..damn American made cars…foreign really are the best. Don’t get upset people, I’m not a terrorist, just honest.

Now, it was around 3am, about 35 degrees outside & raining. Chubs & I didn’t have cell phones, because obviously, if we couldn’t even afford to drive ourselves all the way home, then we sure couldn’t afford any other luxuries. Oh, & did I mention neither of us had any sort of coats or other warming materials? Yes, this was gonna be a night to remember. Fortunately, we had enough whiskey coursing through our veins to keep us on our feet. Well, maybe not on our feet, but at least we would be warm while passed out on the side of the highway.

So we each took one more shot & decided to get going. We sure as hell didn’t wanna be sober before making it home. We probably got about 50 feet down the road when the extreme urge to urinate took over me. There was no way I was gonna make it. I seriously thought about just doing it in my pants, I mean, it was raining, so would anyone really notice? That’s when I saw a bush at the entrance of our local trailer park. That‘s right, I peed behind the bush. I wouldn’t normally do this but like I said, it was a trailer park. I half way expected to have to wait my turn.

I’d say we were about half way home when my whiskey soaked brain decided to open my mouth & yell out, “let’s take our shirts off!” Now normally, this is when Chubs would have called me a dumba*s & watched me make a fool of myself on my own, but considering she’s half my size & had just as much alcohol in her system as I did, her response was “That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard!”

We walked another mile with nothing on but a pair of jeans & our bras. My shoes were missing…

I’m a very loud person in general, so when I’m drunk, my volume control button is completely turned off. I have the tendency to whisper things so loudly someone sitting 20 feet away would be able to here me, so walking through a heavily populated neighborhood, half naked, is not the best place for me to be while intoxicated.

We were almost to my front door when it occurred to me that my husband probably wouldn’t think walking around drunk and half naked at 3am was as funny as we did.

Have you ever tried putting on a wet t-shirt in the rain? How about putting on a wet t-shirt in the rain…while sh*it-faced? Good times, good times…

Right then, my inability to be quiet really kicked into high gear. I turned around and whispered “We should probably go back into the dark until we figure this clothing situation out“. Now in my mind, this was exactly what came out, in a very quiet & sober tone, but what I actually said, or yelled, was “HE’S GONNA BE SO PISSED!!!” followed by a long period of laughter.

Needless to say, out comes hunny-bunny with a not so happy look on his face. I tried explaining to him, in what I thought was sober talk, how taking our shirts off in the rain was the best way to handle the situation. Chubs insisted that it was all D*ick-face’s fault, but with no explanation as to why. It sounded pretty legitimate to me, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t buy it.

“My shoes are gone……what the hell happened to my shoes? I don’t remember taking them off.”

Normal people would be thinking about how peeing behind a bush in a trailer park & walking through the freezing rain willingly naked, are not such a good idea. Not me. To this day, I still can’t figure out what happened to my shoes, & I’m pretty sure that ticks me off more than anything. & also to this day, we blame D*ick-face for this irrational behavior & you can’t convince us otherwise.

Sometimes I kinda miss D*ick-face. In a strange way, he made Chubs & I a little more fun together. I really should send him a thank you card, but I’m not sure if the hospital would let him have it

Ah D*ick-face, you may be writing rap lyrics & finding God through heroin-based alternative music while sitting in your little padded room, but……you never let us down…

Loser...

Ok kids, short story…

Once upon a time, Chubs met Lovey…after a while Chubs & Lovey became pregnant. Eventually, Chubs had to tell D*ick-face since, unfortunately, they have a child together, and you can only tell a moron you’re bloated for about 6 months before he finally figures something’s up.

D*ick-face is known as many names to Chubs & I…moron, loser, idiot, a*s-face, psycho, etc…..you get the picture

D*ick-face’s response… “Congratulations on getting knocked up by a loser…”

Chubs’ response… “Wouldn’t be the first time!”

Ah D*ick-face, you never let us down…

Ah, D*ck-face, you never let us down...

Chubs left D*ick-face about 4 years ago. He was a habitual liar, a drug dealer & user, had OCD & was insanely jealous. Not to mention, emotionally abusive & flat out psychotic.
If she wanted to make a phone call, he would have to be in the room listening in on the entire conversation, while also timing her so she didn’t go over the minutes he had given to her for that specific phone call.
The only phone in the house was the cell phone he kept in his pocket at all times & the only working vehicle was what he took to work, or wherever he was actually going every day & night.
Technically she had a car, but the battery would be removed while he was gone.

Ah yes, D*ick-face was one of a kind. He was a charmer and deceiver, but an all around VERY deceivingly good guy, which made beating the shit out of him my favorite memory of all time.

Now don’t let this confuse you. I would have LOVED to beat the brains out of this arrogant moron, but knew that Chubs would one day get her chance. She had never been in a fight in her life because I was her pit bull (in her words), so there was no reason for her to have to defend herself. I loved her & hated to see her go through this, but knew that one day the time would come for the smack down of a lifetime.

I had NEVER been so happy to hear these words……”I just beat the F*UCK OUT OF HIM, GET OVER HERE!!!!!” Again, Chubs is only 5 ft 4 inches tall and probably weighs 120 lb. soaking wet, but once the adrenaline gets going, there’s no stopping a f*ucked up, mentally abused, breaking point female (let this be a lesson to you ingrate, poor excuses of the abusive male race)

“I was cleaning out his closet because it wasn’t good enough...FOR HIM!” she said “& he just kept standing behind me b*itching about the clothes on the floor and how I wasn't moving fast enough, so I tried to stand up & he pushed me down by the back of my head”

“I don’t know what happened Momo. One second I was leaned over in the closet with my back to him & the next thing I knew, he was in the corner covering his face while I was bashing his cheek in with a pair of brass knuckles…..or a cabbage patch doll, I’m not sure”

‘OH MY GOD! SHOULD WE RELEASE THE DOVES?!’ I thought. ‘SHOULD I HEAD OVER THERE & START THROWING HIS S*HIT ON THE FRONT LAWN WHILE SINGING ‘HEY LADIES...IF YA MAN WANNA GET BUCK WILD'

I didn't know what to do! This was the happiest day of my life. I mean, other than O.J. recently going to jail for murdering his wife (allegedly)……I mean…kidnapping someone for stealing his watch…or something like that

As I walked into their house & noticed this poor bruised & battered man…LMAO! Holy S*hit, I can’t even type it without laughing……all I could think was ‘Where the f*uck are my DVD’s, ASSHOLE?!’

D*ick-face has since been placed into the psych ward of a hospital (as I stated in the first blog) but I just love saying it again :)

Ah, d*ick-face…..you never let us down……I just might make that the ending to every story

Chubs McGee

True Story:

Chubs & I love female strip clubs. Yes, that’s right, we love going to a strip club and getting a lap dance from a 98 pound stick with a playboy bunny groomed into her v-jay and “I have daddy issues“ stamp tramped onto her back. Chubs & I have been attending these well-rounded, fatherless train wreck establishments for quite a few years now.

One Thursday night, while receiving free drinks from our new 40 year old friend, Matzo Ball (we didn’t know his real name & really didn’t give a crap) we heard an announcement that there would be a wet t-shirt contest for anyone who would care to join, & the prize would be free drinks & entry for the following Thursday evening.

Before I could say anything, Chubs jumped onto the table & ripped off her halfway buttoned up shirt, revealing the WHITE wife-beater she was wearing underneath. I knew the Hurricanes we had been feeding her all night weren’t such a good idea, but hey, this could definitely make for an interesting evening.

Chubs is about 5 ft 4 inches tall and is known as the “Ball of Cute“…..now, this could be because she is physically flawless…or it could be that every time we went out she made a point to make every black girl on the dance floor look like a white girl taking polka lessons. When it came to catching the attention of every male in the room, she definitely had it down.

We won’t go into details about the actual contest, not important. The fun part comes in afterwards…since, of course, Chubs won. Which was actually pretty sad for the other contestants, considering they were employees of the club, & by employees I mean the girls with tassles.

The owner of the club, who we’ll call Fatty, was trying his hardest to get Chubs to come work for him.
“You only pay a small fee to me, which I’m sure we can work out to your…advantage…hint, hint”

“What the hell?!” Chubs screamed. “I would rather put Momo outside on the corner than catch staff infection from that herpes infested crotch you call a ‘dance floor’”

“Wait! You would rather put ME on the corner?” I yelled. “Couldn’t you just dry hump him a little & call it even? Besides, we could really use the money….rent is in 2 weeks & I’m pretty sure d*ick-face isn’t gonna have his share!”

Chubs stood there contemplating the consequences of working for a 400 lb, 56 year old man, whose penis most likely wasn’t even noticeable below the fat apron he was wearing 2 feet under his belt.

Right then, one of the topless employees walked up to Fatty & asked if she could accept a drink from one of the patrons. Fatty proceeded to slap her to the floor while yelling at her to get her fat-ass on stage before he showed her what he was REALLY made of!

“A JELLY DONUT!!!!!” yelled Chubs.

“What?!” responded Fatty. “You’re made of a jelly donut! Just thought I would clear that up for you in case you FORGOT!” Wow…maybe the Hurricanes served a purpose after all.

While the topless one rolled around on the floor, laughing so hard her hooker heels fell off, we bolted out the door as quickly as possible……..so much for those freakin free drinks next Thursday.

Moral of the story kids: Don’t wear hooker heels unless you WANT to end up dry humping Fatty on a staff infected dance floor…...or kissing pavement…which ever comes first

Hickeys

True Story:

“Holy hell, he left hickeys on my neck! I‘m going to visit D*ck-face in 4 hours & Dumb-a*s left hickeys on my neck!……Maybe I can say they were from the last time I saw him & they never went away”

As Chubs had a nervous breakdown while checking her reflection in the mirror, I reminded her that she hadn’t seen d*ck-face in over a month, & no matter how bad they were, a hickey just didn’t stay fresh for that long.

“Why don’t you just cover it up with make-up, he’ll be too stoned to notice? Or maybe you can latch him to your neck as soon as you get there…”

D*ck-face was the type of guy who routinely checked Chubs from head to toe because she was the town whore……not literally, but he seemed to think so. He was also on every drug known to man-kind & would have believed her if she told him aliens abducted her & their only way of communication was through sucking.

“I got it! That fat dike who lives next door came over & face-raped you!” Then again, that probably wasn’t the most convincing scenario since the fat dike next door was my mother who lived one room over.

This wasn’t working out so well. Chubs hadn’t intended on letting Dumb-a*s have his way with her, but the more she drank the cuter he seemed to be, & what better reason to let a half-drunken moron molest you, than after a few too many shots of Yager?

She decided to make the trip to Corpus & figured the answer would hit her during the three hour drive.

She pulled into the driveway completely blank. Nothing had come to mind & wasn’t going to within the next 30 seconds. This was it. He was walking up to the car as she slowly turned the ignition off.

He opened the door & before she had time to say anything he yelled out “What the hell did the seat belt do to your neck?!”

Ah, d*ck-face, you never let us down...

That's What She Said

Do you ever feel like vodka at 10 o’clock in the morning & a hammer to your significant other’s temple is the best way to start your day? Well, unfortunately we can’t do this, unless we WANT to be Big Bertha’s new b*itch

My best friend of 25 years, & I, have decided to take our aggressions out on the computer, rather than our husbands beautiful faces…..don’t let this be misinterpreted. We LOVE our husbands. I have been married for 10 years & hope to be for another 50...unless death comes first, for him of course…BUT STILL, I love him & would rather talk sh*it about him behind his back, than to his face after a few vodka tonics…those fights never end well.

My best friend, who we will call Chubs, is my Saving Grace. She is my soul mate & without her I don’t think I would have made it this far in life. She is the person who one morning, very recently, woke me up at 6am with a notebook in hand & stated “WE HAVE TO START TAKING THIS SH*IT OUT ON OTHER PEOPLE BEFORE I KILL HIM!!!!!” Ah yes, the true words of a mad black woman.

I traveled over 3,000 miles to visit her, not knowing that this short visit would result in Man Bashing 101. Chubs has been married for approximately 3 years. She had been apart from her previous idiot for about a year…..we’ll call him d*ick-face. D*ick-face has recently informed Chubs that he found God in a Sublime song & is going to become a professional rapper. A short time after this, he was admitted to the psych ward of a local hospital……ah yes, d*ick-face never lets us down. I have fond memories of never ending Jack & Coke’s while laughing at his expense.

Chubs is the reason this blog has been started. If we don’t talk about our issues, then the hammer will do it for us. We will post stories daily of our lives over the past 10 years or so. PLEASE feel free to share any stories you would like posted, so that we can also laugh at your husband, previous husband, significant other, gay lover’s expense.

Thank you for your time & please check in daily!