Chubs & I were driving home from a long night of binge drinking……I don’t condone drinking & driving, but let’s face it, we’ve all done it at some point.
We were 2 miles from home when low & behold, we ran out of gas. I’ve never been in a car that ran out of gas, especially one with a digital gauge stating we still had 32 miles to go…..damn American made cars…foreign really are the best. Don’t get upset people, I’m not a terrorist, just honest.
Now, it was around 3am, about 35 degrees outside & raining. Chubs & I didn’t have cell phones, because obviously, if we couldn’t even afford to drive ourselves all the way home, then we sure couldn’t afford any other luxuries. Oh, & did I mention neither of us had any sort of coats or other warming materials? Yes, this was gonna be a night to remember. Fortunately, we had enough whiskey coursing through our veins to keep us on our feet. Well, maybe not on our feet, but at least we would be warm while passed out on the side of the highway.
So we each took one more shot & decided to get going. We sure as hell didn’t wanna be sober before making it home. We probably got about 50 feet down the road when the extreme urge to urinate took over me. There was no way I was gonna make it. I seriously thought about just doing it in my pants, I mean, it was raining, so would anyone really notice? That’s when I saw a bush at the entrance of our local trailer park. That‘s right, I peed behind the bush. I wouldn’t normally do this but like I said, it was a trailer park. I half way expected to have to wait my turn.
I’d say we were about half way home when my whiskey soaked brain decided to open my mouth & yell out, “let’s take our shirts off!” Now normally, this is when Chubs would have called me a dumba*s & watched me make a fool of myself on my own, but considering she’s half my size & had just as much alcohol in her system as I did, her response was “That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard!”
We walked another mile with nothing on but a pair of jeans & our bras. My shoes were missing…
I’m a very loud person in general, so when I’m drunk, my volume control button is completely turned off. I have the tendency to whisper things so loudly someone sitting 20 feet away would be able to here me, so walking through a heavily populated neighborhood, half naked, is not the best place for me to be while intoxicated.
We were almost to my front door when it occurred to me that my husband probably wouldn’t think walking around drunk and half naked at 3am was as funny as we did.
Have you ever tried putting on a wet t-shirt in the rain? How about putting on a wet t-shirt in the rain…while sh*it-faced? Good times, good times…
Right then, my inability to be quiet really kicked into high gear. I turned around and whispered “We should probably go back into the dark until we figure this clothing situation out“. Now in my mind, this was exactly what came out, in a very quiet & sober tone, but what I actually said, or yelled, was “HE’S GONNA BE SO PISSED!!!” followed by a long period of laughter.
Needless to say, out comes hunny-bunny with a not so happy look on his face. I tried explaining to him, in what I thought was sober talk, how taking our shirts off in the rain was the best way to handle the situation. Chubs insisted that it was all D*ick-face’s fault, but with no explanation as to why. It sounded pretty legitimate to me, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t buy it.
“My shoes are gone……what the hell happened to my shoes? I don’t remember taking them off.”
Normal people would be thinking about how peeing behind a bush in a trailer park & walking through the freezing rain willingly naked, are not such a good idea. Not me. To this day, I still can’t figure out what happened to my shoes, & I’m pretty sure that ticks me off more than anything. & also to this day, we blame D*ick-face for this irrational behavior & you can’t convince us otherwise.
Sometimes I kinda miss D*ick-face. In a strange way, he made Chubs & I a little more fun together. I really should send him a thank you card, but I’m not sure if the hospital would let him have it
Ah D*ick-face, you may be writing rap lyrics & finding God through heroin-based alternative music while sitting in your little padded room, but……you never let us down…
